A Modest Proposal

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A Modest Proposal

For preventing the children of poor people in Ireland,portable kids trampolines
from being a burden on their parents or country,
and for making them beneficial to the publick.

by Dr. Jonathan Swift

1729

It is a melancholy object to those, who walk through this great town, or travelin the country, when they see the streets, the roads, and cabbin-doors crowdedwith beggars of the female sex, followed by three, four, or six children, allin rags, and importuning every passenger for an alms. These mothers, instead ofbeing able to work for their honest livelihood, are forced to employ all theirtime in stroling to beg sustenance for their helpless infants who, as they growup, either turn thieves for want of work, or leave their dear native country,to fight for the Pretender in Spain, or sell themselves to the Barbadoes.

I think it is agreed by all parties, that this prodigious number of children inthe arms, or on the backs, or at the heels of their mothers, and frequently oftheir fathers, is in the present deplorable state of the kingdom, a very greatadditional grievance; and therefore whoever could find out a fair, cheap andeasy method of making these children sound and useful members of thecommonwealth, would deserve so well of the publick, as to have his statue setup for a preserver of the nation.

But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only for thechildren of professed beggars: it is of a much greater extent, and shall takein the whole number of infants at a certain age, who are born of parents ineffect as little able to support them, as those who demand our charity in thestreets.

As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon thisimportant subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of our projectors,I have always found them grossly mistaken in their computation. It is true, achild just dropt from its dam, may be supported by her milk, for a solar year,with little other nourishment: at most not above the value of two shillings,which the mother may certainly get, or the value in scraps, by her lawfuloccupation of begging; and it is exactly at one year old that I propose toprovide for them in such a manner, as, instead of being a charge upon theirparents, or the parish, or wanting food and raiment for the rest of theirlives, they shall, on the contrary, contribute to the feeding, and partly tothe clothing of many thousands.

There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it will preventthose voluntary abortions, and that horrid practice of women murdering theirbastard children, alas! too frequent among us, sacrificing the poor innocentbabes, I doubt, more to avoid the expence than the shame, which would movetears and pity in the most savage and inhuman breast.

The number of souls in this kingdom being usually reckoned one million and ahalf, of these I calculate there may be about two hundred thousand couple,whose wives are breeders; from which number I subtract thirty thousand couple,who are able to maintain their own children, (although I apprehend there cannotbe so many under the present distresses of the kingdom) but this beinggranted, there will remain a hundred and seventy thousand breeders. I againsubtract fifty thousand, for those women who miscarry, or whose children die byaccident or disease within the year. There only remain a hundred and twentythousand children of poor parents annually born. The question therefore is, Howthis number shall be reared and provided for? which, as I have already said,under the present situation of affairs, is utterly impossible by all themethods hitherto proposed. For we can neither employ them in handicraft oragriculture; they neither build houses, (I mean in the country) nor cultivateland: they can very seldom pick up a livelihood by stealing till they arrive atsix years old; except where they are of towardly parts, although I confess theylearn the rudiments much earlier; during which time they can however beproperly looked upon only as probationers; as I have been informed by aprincipal gentleman in the county of Cavan, who protested to me, that he neverknew above one or two instances under the age of six, even in a part of thekingdom so renowned for the quickest proficiency in that art.

I am assured by our merchants, that a boy or a girl, before twelve years old,is no saleable commodity, and even when they come to this age, they will notyield above three pounds, or three pounds and half a crown at most, on theexchange; which cannot turn to account either to the parents or kingdom, thecharge of nutriments and rags having been at least four times that value.

I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not beliable to the least objection.

I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London,that a young healthy child well nursed, is, at a year old, a most deliciousnourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and Imake no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricasee, or a ragoust.

I do therefore humbly offer it to publick consideration, that of the hundredand twenty thousand children, already computed, twenty thousand may be reservedfor breed, whereof only one fourth part to be males; which is more than weallow to sheep, black cattle, or swine, and my reason is, that these childrenare seldom the fruits of marriage, a circumstance not much regarded by oursavages, therefore, one male will be sufficient to serve four females. That theremaining hundred thousand may, at a year old, be offered in sale to thepersons of quality and fortune, through the kingdom, always advising the motherto let them suck plentifully in the last month, so as to render them plump, andfat for a good table. A child will make two dishes at an entertainment forfriends, and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind quarter will make areasonable dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or salt, will be very goodboiled on the fourth day, especially in winter.

I have reckoned upon a medium, that a child just born will weigh 12 pounds, andin a solar year, if tolerably nursed, encreaseth to 28 pounds.

I grant this food will be somewhat dear, and therefore very proper forlandlords, who, as they have already devoured most of the parents, seem to havethe best title to the children.

Infant’s flesh will be in season throughout the year, but more plentifulin March, and a little before and after; for we are told by a grave author, aneminent French physician, that fish being a prolifick dyet, there are morechildren born in Roman Catholick countries about nine months after Lent,than at any other season; therefore, reckoning a year after Lent, themarkets will be more glutted than usual, because the number of Popish infants,is at least three to one in this kingdom, and therefore it will have one othercollateral advantage, by lessening the number of Papists among us.

I have already computed the charge of nursing a beggar’s child (in whichlist I reckon all cottagers, labourers, and four-fifths of the farmers) to beabout two shillings per annum, rags included; and I believe no gentleman wouldrepine to give ten shillings for the carcass of a good fat child, which, as Ihave said, will make four dishes of excellent nutritive meat, when he hath onlysome particular friend, or his own family to dine with him. Thus the squirewill learn to be a good landlord, and grow popular among his tenants, themother will have eight shillings neat profit, and be fit for work till sheproduces another child.

Those who are more thrifty (as I must confess the times require) may flay thecarcass; the skin of which, artificially dressed, will make admirable glovesfor ladies, and summer boots for fine gentlemen.

As to our City of Dublin, shambles may be appointed for this purpose, in themost convenient parts of it, and butchers we may be assured will not bewanting; although I rather recommend buying the children alive, and dressingthem hot from the knife, as we do roasting pigs.

A very worthy person, a true lover of his country, and whose virtues I highlyesteem, was lately pleased in discoursing on this matter, to offer a refinementupon my scheme. He said, that many gentlemen of this kingdom, having of latedestroyed their deer, he conceived that the want of venison might be wellsupplied by the bodies of young lads and maidens, not exceeding fourteen yearsof age, nor under twelve; so great a number of both sexes in every countybeing now ready to starve for want of work and service: and these to bedisposed of by their parents if alive, or otherwise by their nearest relations.But with due deference to so excellent a friend, and so deserving a patriot, Icannot be altogether in his sentiments; for as to the males, my Americanacquaintance assured me from frequent experience, that their flesh wasgenerally tough and lean, like that of our schoolboys, by continual exercise,and their taste disagreeable, and to fatten them would not answer the charge.Then as to the females, it would, I think, with humble submission, be a loss tothe publick, because they soon would become breeders themselves: and besides,it is not improbable that some scrupulous people might be apt to censure such apractice, (although indeed very unjustly) as a little bordering upon cruelty,which, I confess, hath always been with me the strongest objection against anyproject, how well soever intended.

But in order to justify my friend, he confessed, that this expedient was putinto his head by the famous Psalmanaazor, a native of the island Formosa, whocame from thence to London, above twenty years ago, and in conversation told myfriend, that in his country, when any young person happened to be put to death,the executioner sold the carcass to persons of quality, as a prime dainty; andthat, in his time, the body of a plump girl of fifteen, who was crucified foran attempt to poison the Emperor, was sold to his imperial majesty’sprime minister of state, and other great mandarins of the court in joints fromthe gibbet, at four hundred crowns. Neither indeed can I deny, that if the sameuse were made of several plump young girls in this town, who without one singlegroat to their fortunes, cannot stir abroad without a chair, and appear at aplayhouse and assemblies in foreign fineries which they never will pay for,the kingdom would not be the worse.

Some persons of a desponding spirit are in great concern about that vast numberof poor people, who are aged, diseased, or maimed; and I have been desired toemploy my thoughts what course may be taken, to ease the nation of so grievousan incumbrance. But I am not in the least pain upon that matter, because it isvery well known, that they are every day dying, and rotting, by cold andfamine, and filth, and vermin, as fast as can be reasonably expected. And as tothe young labourers, they are now in almost as hopeful a condition. They cannotget work, and consequently pine away from want of nourishment, to a degree,that if at any time they are accidentally hired to common labour, they have notstrength to perform it, and thus the country and themselves are happilydelivered from the evils to come.

I have too long digressed, and therefore shall return to my subject. I thinkthe advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as wellas of the highest importance.

For first, as I have already observed, it would greatly lessen the number ofPapists, with whom we are yearly overrun, being the principal breeders of thenation, as well as our most dangerous enemies, and who stay at home on purposewith a design to deliver the kingdom to the Pretender, hoping to take theiradvantage by the absence of so many good Protestants, who have chosen rather toleave their country, than stay at home and pay tithes against their conscienceto an episcopal curate.

Secondly, The poorer tenants will have something valuable of their own, whichby law may be made liable to a distress, and help to pay their landlord’srent, their corn and cattle being already seized, and money a thing unknown.

Thirdly, Whereas the maintainance of a hundred thousand children, from twoyears old, and upwards, cannot be computed at less than ten shillings a pieceper annum, the nation’s stock will be thereby encreased fifty thousandpounds per annum, besides the profit of a new dish, introduced to the tables ofall gentlemen of fortune in the kingdom, who have any refinement in taste. Andthe money will circulate among our selves, the goods being entirely of our owngrowth and manufacture.

Fourthly, The constant breeders, besides the gain of eight shillings sterlingper annum by the sale of their children, will be rid of the charge ofmaintaining them after the first year.

Fifthly, This food would likewise bring great custom to taverns, where thevintners will certainly be so prudent as to procure the best receipts fordressing it to perfection; and consequently have their houses frequented by allthe fine gentlemen, who justly value themselves upon their knowledge in goodeating; and a skilful cook, who understands how to oblige his guests, willcontrive to make it as expensive as they please.

Sixthly, This would be a great inducement to marriage, which all wise nationshave either encouraged by rewards, or enforced by laws and penalties. It wouldencrease the care and tenderness of mothers towards their children, when theywere sure of a settlement for life to the poor babes, provided in some sort bythe publick, to their annual profit instead of expence. We should soon see anhonest emulation among the married women, which of them could bring the fattestchild to the market. Men would become as fond of their wives, during the timeof their pregnancy, as they are now of their mares in foal, their cows in calf,or sows when they are ready to farrow; nor offer to beat or kick them (as istoo frequent a practice) for fear of a miscarriage.

Many other advantages might be enumerated. For instance, the addition of somethousand carcasses in our exportation of barrel’d beef: the propagationof swine’s flesh, and improvement in the art of making good bacon, somuch wanted among us by the great destruction of pigs, too frequent at ourtables; which are no way comparable in taste or magnificence to a well grown,fat yearling child, which roasted whole will make a considerable figure at aLord Mayor’s feast, or any other publick entertainment. But this, andmany others, I omit, being studious of brevity.

Supposing that one thousand families in this city, would be constant customersfor infants flesh, besides others who might have it at merry meetings,particularly at weddings and christenings, I compute that Dublin would take offannually about twenty thousand carcasses; and the rest of the kingdom (whereprobably they will be sold somewhat cheaper) the remaining eighty thousand.

I can think of no one objection, that will possibly be raised against thisproposal, unless it should be urged, that the number of people will be therebymuch lessened in the kingdom. This I freely own, and was indeed one principaldesign in offering it to the world. I desire the reader will observe, that Icalculate my remedy for this one individual Kingdom of Ireland, and for noother that ever was, is, or, I think, ever can be upon Earth. Therefore let noman talk to me of other expedients: Of taxing our absentees at five shillings apound: Of using neither clothes, nor houshold furniture, except what is of ourown growth and manufacture: Of utterly rejecting the materials and instrumentsthat promote foreign luxury: Of curing the expensiveness of pride, vanity,idleness, and gaming in our women: Of introducing a vein of parsimony, prudenceand temperance: Of learning to love our country, wherein we differ even fromLaplanders, and the inhabitants of Topinamboo: Of quitting our animosities andfactions, nor acting any longer like the Jews, who were murdering one anotherat the very moment their city was taken: Of being a little cautious not to sellour country and consciences for nothing: Of teaching landlords to have at leastone degree of mercy towards their tenants. Lastly, of putting a spirit ofhonesty, industry, and skill into our shopkeepers, who, if a resolution couldnow be taken to buy only our native goods, would immediately unite to cheat andexact upon us in the price, the measure, and the goodness, nor could ever yetbe brought to make one fair proposal of just dealing, though often andearnestly invited to it.

Therefore I repeat, let no man talk to me of these and the like expedients,till he hath at least some glympse of hope, that there will ever be some heartyand sincere attempt to put them into practice.

But, as to myself, having been wearied out for many years with offering vain,idle, visionary thoughts, and at length utterly despairing of success, Ifortunately fell upon this proposal, which, as it is wholly new, so it hathsomething solid and real, of no expence and little trouble, full in our ownpower, and whereby we can incur no danger in disobliging England. For this kindof commodity will not bear exportation, and flesh being of too tender aconsistence, to admit a long continuance in salt, although perhaps I could namea country, which would be glad to eat up our whole nation without it.

After all, I am not so violently bent upon my own opinion, as to reject anyoffer, proposed by wise men, which shall be found equally innocent, cheap,easy, and effectual. But before something of that kind shall be advanced incontradiction to my scheme, and offering a better, I desire the author orauthors will be pleased maturely to consider two points. First, As things nowstand, how they will be able to find food and raiment for a hundred thousanduseless mouths and backs. And secondly, There being a round million ofcreatures in humane figure throughout this kingdom, whose whole subsistence putinto a common stock, would leave them in debt two million of pounds sterling,adding those who are beggars by profession, to the bulk of farmers, cottagersand labourers, with their wives and children, who are beggars in effect; Idesire those politicians who dislike my overture, and may perhaps be so bold toattempt an answer, that they will first ask the parents of these mortals,whether they would not at this day think it a great happiness to have been soldfor food at a year old, in the manner I prescribe, and thereby have avoidedsuch a perpetual scene of misfortunes, as they have since gone through, by theoppression of landlords, the impossibility of paying rent without money ortrade, the want of common sustenance, with neither house nor clothes to coverthem from the inclemencies of the weather, and the most inevitable prospect ofintailing the like, or greater miseries, upon their breed for ever.

I profess in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personalinterest in endeavouring to promote this necessary work, having no other motivethan the publick good of my country, by advancing our trade, providing forinfants, relieving the poor, and giving some pleasure to the rich. I have nochildren, by which I can propose to get a single penny; the youngest being nineyears old, and my wife past child-bearing.

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